She blamed Martha
by jjship
Summary: The thought raced along with others, and it occurred to her that Martha may or may not be talking about the case.


I've read a** lot** of stories, reviewed anon, but never attempted to write before. Its SO hard.

Homage to all those that write, and special thanks to those to write and own Castle. I don't.

She blamed Martha

Martha and Kate stood in the street outside of Rick's apartment, in the cool evening air. Martha had been half listening to Kate's narrative about the latest and complex case, watching her as Kate wrestled with her words and feelings.

Martha asked "what has you so confused"

Kate's reply came as a sigh. "I don't know what to think"

"There you are, that's your problem, stop" and with a dramatic pause, "thinking, "just spend a day noticing what and how you are feeling, and then what you need to do, will come to you" offered Martha, in her best sage voice, her right hand tracing an graceful arc mirroring the notes in her voice.

Kate nodded only. The thought raced along with others, and it occurred to her that Martha may or may not be talking about the case. But some time to observe herself may help, she acknowledged to herself

The following morning Kate rose and pulled a thin red jumper from her wardrobe. She liked this jumper and the way it fitted. He liked this jumper, going by his difficulty to keep his eyes focussed on the work last time she wore it. Anticipation and a bit of glee at the tease, it made her feel confident and breezy, and that was ok.

She turned from the whiteboard to thank Castle for the coffee, and noticed how quickly and covertly he brought his eyes back up to her face. She hid her grin by ducking her head back to the work, feeling the win, but remaining hyper aware of his stance beside her for the next hour. The tension was a thrill, as stupid as she thought she was being.

When Castle was punched and pushed roughly to the wall, by a fleeing suspect, she was torn by his shocked cry, the need to reach him, and the imperative to haul back the suspect. The suspect would bear the blunt end of her anger and conflict, in the later interview. It was only fair.

The nurse strapping his shoulder later at the hospital was flirty and awestruck, laughing at Rick's polite humour. The nurse's fingers lay on his shoulder, touching the strap for no reason other than to prolong the conversation, while Kate stood rigid at the end of the hospital bed, flatten by her restraint. She was trying so hard to tap down a growling possessive urge to push the nurse away, hard. It was embarrassing and alarming.

When Rick turned, capturing her eyes with a reassuring apologetic smile, she felt warm relief flood thru her, and her own humour return. She laughed off his teasing question about how could he possibly dress in the morning without her help, but images of just that reeled in her mind as they exited to the car

They stopped at a cafe for some much needed food and break, the sun warm thru the window, and their conversation light and bubbling. They talked about the case and Alexis's choices for study, places they would most like to visit and ways to travel. It felt exciting and easy, she loved that optimistic light in his eyes. Only Rick could be such good company whilst nursing an injury. Later, as Kate made her way from the back of the cafe, the waitress told her that her husband was waiting for her outside. She felt no surprise at the statement, it wasn't the first time that assumption had been made, but hit of pleasure in the idea was startling. Rick stood looking up into the winter sun, still, against the whirl of the passing traffic. A physical pull deep in her chest reached out to him, taking her breathe, and it hurt to reign it in.

When they fought later in the day over her conclusions on the case, it stung. He was adamant, loud and in her face. In the end, he was right, and she was angry again, frustrated and grateful at the same time.

To made amends he said, he said he would cook, some mac and cheese for her and Alexis. She said yes without thought, and just as quickly was hit with wave of panic and doubts, stomach lurching side to side. 'Its ok' she told herself, 'Alexis would be there' Kate pulled herself together reasoning on her ability to keep her boundaries, wondering again why they felt so under threat.

The first text when she got home was just to check she was safely back, the others in quick succession were just to make her laugh. She was light headed, from the length of the day, from mirth at his wit, and her own ability to match. Kate sighed loudly, protesting "I am busy" to the air of her apartment, but kept the phone next to her as she organised clothes for the next day. She felt happy, content, warmed.

The last text stopped her mid stride between rooms. She hadn't been expecting to see Josh's name. Oh god. She hadn't thought of him all day, or the day before. Kate stared at the phone Why wasn't she pleased to hear from him or even wanting to read his words. The churning messy feelings were back. Kate registered how chilled she felt, her body suddenly awkward with an overwhelming nagging guilt.

Kate slid down on the couch, hugging a cushion to her, the phone now sitting on the side table in her view. She thought back over her day, cataloguing the reactions. "Oh" she gasped, as images and feelings flooded thru her. She blamed Martha for this. The man in her life, in her heart, was not the one in Africa, and the feeling of disloyalty was all about-face. That was why it all felt so wrong.

Kate reached for her phone. She knew what she had to do now. Quick fingers tapped out - "can we talk" and she waited for Josh's reply. A calm settled across her face and soul - without the emptiness she had expected.

Two weeks later, when Kate looked up from paperwork, to finish up another case, Rick asked about her plans for the weekend, "You must be looking forward to seeing Josh. How is he ?." His tone was even, nonchalant and heard the lie of it.

She held his gaze and said "I think he is fine. He is staying for a while" gesturing away with her hand, "and I am here." Kate was pleased how steady her voice sounded. She had had no idea about how to mention the change. She pulled her hair back over an ear, and push on. "so we're not seeing each other any more. It just didn't work out".

Rick exhaled and dropped his eyes for a moment, then started to talk "Kate, I'm ..." as she cut in "and I am ok with that" she quietly added. Rick's eyes lit up, despite his very best efforts, and that energising pull to him in her chest was back again, strong and undeniable.


End file.
